Self Absorbed Mother F$&kers

I was looking through my Twitter feed today. I don't do that often. However I am currently sitting near the child's play area in a chick fil a and thought I'd check it out. I follow mainly bloggers, celebrities etc. What fascinates me is these blogging people who are like slightly internet famous get bored and ask their followers to ask them questions about themselves. What?! I don't care what your favorite Starbucks beverage is or what you're allergic to. It's just crazy to me. One in particular said "bored on a flight, what are y'all up to? How about question & answer time just for yall". HUH??? Just for us?? There are some people I meet IN REAL LIFE that I care to know these things about. In fact, if I care about you, I already know these things. I'm not being articulate but I feel like this just sends younger people the wrong message. It should be all about what people want to know ABOUT YOU. We are already a pretty self absorbed world so this just adds salt to the wound. Do you get what I'm saying? Maybe I'm just reading into this all wrong because we have all been sick and suffering from cabin fever until this adventurous trip to chick fil a. 

Broken Heart

Winter just shoved Diesel to the floor. I very harshly yelled at her to go to time out. Then face the wall (she knows she supposed to). It literally hurt my heart how mean I sounded and how I spoke to her. I feel immensely guilty for Diesel having been so roughly pushed down. It breaks my heart. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong but I do know I feel like I'm the worst mom. And it breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

The book I'm reading -

In mommyland all hell is breaking lose. I hate that I refer to motherhood so much, but it consumes my whole life right now.  I don't think its healthy, but it will take time to change that which is something I'm working on.  I have always loved the read.  I go through spells of reading dozens of books to not picking one up for 6 months or even longer.  I'm proud to say I've broken through my dry spell! I'm on a reading kick.  Less internet time, more reading time really makes a good recipe for me.  One tangent then i'll get to the point - I hate social media because I compare myself to EVERYONE.  EVERY. ONE. I shouldn't compare - but also everyone looks so happy, fun and RICH in internet land.  Maybe I give out that vibe too? I try not to. I truly try to keep it real. Otherwise, whats the point? But I also LOVE social media and the internet. I have met some of the greatest friends through the web.  We all have babies born in July/August 2013. We had a love of make up which evolved into TRUE friendship etc.  Most importantly, I met my husband on hotornot.com! HAHA! It still cracks us up, but it's true.  For years I was embarrassed.  I would threaten him to tell people we met in the Best Buy parking lot because that is indeed where we actually met face to face.  As the years progressed I really just has less fucks to give.  One of my fondest memories is BEFORE we met - I was sick and reading the book "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner (I think?).  He called me and was so concerned he wanted to bring me food and medicine.  Besides the fact I made up my mind I was never meeting him due to fear of fat rejection, there was NO WAY he was seeing my sick.  I still hadn't lost the 20 lbs I was intending to lose before we met.  We did end up meeting a couple weeks later.  I didn't lose the 20 lbs and he most definitely didn't care about my fat :)

Whoa, anyway, back to what I'm reading.  Im not all super intellectual (a goal i'm working on) but there is one author whose books I just love and find to have a strong message.  His name is Khaled Hossein.  I hope I get to meet him one day as I find him so inspirational.  His book "The Kite Runner" was made into a movie. As you guessed - the book is no comparison to the movie.  I have been reading what I think is his latest novel, "'and the mountains echoed'.  Im so out of touch that he might have had a new release since then considering I am using the receipt as my bookmark and I purchased it in JULY 2014! I can't even describe the book because I could do it no justice.  I was telling my mom about it and she commented how sad his books are.  I agree but thats what I like about them.  Also - the people in his books generally have such messed up, war torn lives it gives my first world problems a real perspective. 

Upon googling - it seems there is a sequel to this book? Oh dear.  I better get on it because i am NOT patient when it comes to books! I'm attempting to embed a picture of the cover of this book.  If it works, I have reached a goal today. 

Lazy & Selfish is the name of the game.

This past week my parents took care of my almost three year old.  The week FLEW by.  Our cat was sick and ended up peeing on our couch.  YEAH I KNOW... trust me, if i hadn't bottle fed her myself since day 2 of her life on this planet she would have been a goner this week.  Zoe (the cat) turned out to have a major UTI.  She had one a few months ago; i was supposed to get it rechecked and in all honesty I just couldn't muster up the energy to figure out a time where I could go childless with her OR (even worse) have the four of us (me, Zoe, Diesel and Winter) in a tiny examining room etc.  I'd actually rather have diarrhea for 3 days than to do the latter. So I felt like the walk of shame, bad cat mom, and the "you're one of THOSE pet owners" glare was all upon me when I took Zoe in.  I requested a different doctor because my great friend recommended him - and because he wouldn't remember me from last time.  I have to be brutally honest. He turned out to be very sweet, understanding, younger than me (wtf?!) and did I mention understanding? I fessed up to not having brought her back for a recheck and he looked at me said "it's life! we do our best!" - I almost cried.

On that note... when my parents brought Winter back (Saturday afternoon) I expected to feel this overwhelming sense of completion.  That my heart was aching so badly and it finally felt put back together again.  I didn't. I was (and still am) having a bit of dread for tomorrow.  It has nothing to do with Winter - it has everything to do with routine.  I knew this would happen, but I needed the help. Today was much better than yesterday so there is hope.  She also tends to act out if there are more people around.  She's a smart TOUGH cookie.  Diesel is smart and an overly sweet cookie.  Winter likes to show him whose boss and he takes it with a grin and newly acquired bruise on the forehead.

At the end of the day I always feel guilt.  I'm lazy and selfish.  I can hear Winter starting to whine in her room and I'm praying she resolves this herself because I don't want to deal with it.  Malibu (our other cat) is meowing in our bedroom because we have them blocked off to one part of the house since they are basically assholes.  I want a glass of wine but i have drank the past two nights and my throat is sore (allergies? every texans diagnosis).  I don't feel guilty about the wine but will Lawrence give me a side eye thinking I'm using this to self medicate? I'm going to go let Malibu out for a few hours of freedom (Zoe is the true culprit) and get that glass of wine.  I told Winter when i put her to bed how much i loved her and smothered her with kisses.  I may not be the craftiest, most put together, organized mom - but I do love them with every ounce of my heart, mind, and soul.  Asshole syndromes and everything.  As I was walking out of her room she said "Mommy, I luff you" :)