Self Absorbed Mother F$&kers

I was looking through my Twitter feed today. I don't do that often. However I am currently sitting near the child's play area in a chick fil a and thought I'd check it out. I follow mainly bloggers, celebrities etc. What fascinates me is these blogging people who are like slightly internet famous get bored and ask their followers to ask them questions about themselves. What?! I don't care what your favorite Starbucks beverage is or what you're allergic to. It's just crazy to me. One in particular said "bored on a flight, what are y'all up to? How about question & answer time just for yall". HUH??? Just for us?? There are some people I meet IN REAL LIFE that I care to know these things about. In fact, if I care about you, I already know these things. I'm not being articulate but I feel like this just sends younger people the wrong message. It should be all about what people want to know ABOUT YOU. We are already a pretty self absorbed world so this just adds salt to the wound. Do you get what I'm saying? Maybe I'm just reading into this all wrong because we have all been sick and suffering from cabin fever until this adventurous trip to chick fil a. 

Broken Heart

Winter just shoved Diesel to the floor. I very harshly yelled at her to go to time out. Then face the wall (she knows she supposed to). It literally hurt my heart how mean I sounded and how I spoke to her. I feel immensely guilty for Diesel having been so roughly pushed down. It breaks my heart. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong but I do know I feel like I'm the worst mom. And it breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

The book I'm reading -

In mommyland all hell is breaking lose. I hate that I refer to motherhood so much, but it consumes my whole life right now.  I don't think its healthy, but it will take time to change that which is something I'm working on.  I have always loved the read.  I go through spells of reading dozens of books to not picking one up for 6 months or even longer.  I'm proud to say I've broken through my dry spell! I'm on a reading kick.  Less internet time, more reading time really makes a good recipe for me.  One tangent then i'll get to the point - I hate social media because I compare myself to EVERYONE.  EVERY. ONE. I shouldn't compare - but also everyone looks so happy, fun and RICH in internet land.  Maybe I give out that vibe too? I try not to. I truly try to keep it real. Otherwise, whats the point? But I also LOVE social media and the internet. I have met some of the greatest friends through the web.  We all have babies born in July/August 2013. We had a love of make up which evolved into TRUE friendship etc.  Most importantly, I met my husband on hotornot.com! HAHA! It still cracks us up, but it's true.  For years I was embarrassed.  I would threaten him to tell people we met in the Best Buy parking lot because that is indeed where we actually met face to face.  As the years progressed I really just has less fucks to give.  One of my fondest memories is BEFORE we met - I was sick and reading the book "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner (I think?).  He called me and was so concerned he wanted to bring me food and medicine.  Besides the fact I made up my mind I was never meeting him due to fear of fat rejection, there was NO WAY he was seeing my sick.  I still hadn't lost the 20 lbs I was intending to lose before we met.  We did end up meeting a couple weeks later.  I didn't lose the 20 lbs and he most definitely didn't care about my fat :)

Whoa, anyway, back to what I'm reading.  Im not all super intellectual (a goal i'm working on) but there is one author whose books I just love and find to have a strong message.  His name is Khaled Hossein.  I hope I get to meet him one day as I find him so inspirational.  His book "The Kite Runner" was made into a movie. As you guessed - the book is no comparison to the movie.  I have been reading what I think is his latest novel, "'and the mountains echoed'.  Im so out of touch that he might have had a new release since then considering I am using the receipt as my bookmark and I purchased it in JULY 2014! I can't even describe the book because I could do it no justice.  I was telling my mom about it and she commented how sad his books are.  I agree but thats what I like about them.  Also - the people in his books generally have such messed up, war torn lives it gives my first world problems a real perspective. 

Upon googling - it seems there is a sequel to this book? Oh dear.  I better get on it because i am NOT patient when it comes to books! I'm attempting to embed a picture of the cover of this book.  If it works, I have reached a goal today. 

Lazy & Selfish is the name of the game.

This past week my parents took care of my almost three year old.  The week FLEW by.  Our cat was sick and ended up peeing on our couch.  YEAH I KNOW... trust me, if i hadn't bottle fed her myself since day 2 of her life on this planet she would have been a goner this week.  Zoe (the cat) turned out to have a major UTI.  She had one a few months ago; i was supposed to get it rechecked and in all honesty I just couldn't muster up the energy to figure out a time where I could go childless with her OR (even worse) have the four of us (me, Zoe, Diesel and Winter) in a tiny examining room etc.  I'd actually rather have diarrhea for 3 days than to do the latter. So I felt like the walk of shame, bad cat mom, and the "you're one of THOSE pet owners" glare was all upon me when I took Zoe in.  I requested a different doctor because my great friend recommended him - and because he wouldn't remember me from last time.  I have to be brutally honest. He turned out to be very sweet, understanding, younger than me (wtf?!) and did I mention understanding? I fessed up to not having brought her back for a recheck and he looked at me said "it's life! we do our best!" - I almost cried.

On that note... when my parents brought Winter back (Saturday afternoon) I expected to feel this overwhelming sense of completion.  That my heart was aching so badly and it finally felt put back together again.  I didn't. I was (and still am) having a bit of dread for tomorrow.  It has nothing to do with Winter - it has everything to do with routine.  I knew this would happen, but I needed the help. Today was much better than yesterday so there is hope.  She also tends to act out if there are more people around.  She's a smart TOUGH cookie.  Diesel is smart and an overly sweet cookie.  Winter likes to show him whose boss and he takes it with a grin and newly acquired bruise on the forehead.

At the end of the day I always feel guilt.  I'm lazy and selfish.  I can hear Winter starting to whine in her room and I'm praying she resolves this herself because I don't want to deal with it.  Malibu (our other cat) is meowing in our bedroom because we have them blocked off to one part of the house since they are basically assholes.  I want a glass of wine but i have drank the past two nights and my throat is sore (allergies? every texans diagnosis).  I don't feel guilty about the wine but will Lawrence give me a side eye thinking I'm using this to self medicate? I'm going to go let Malibu out for a few hours of freedom (Zoe is the true culprit) and get that glass of wine.  I told Winter when i put her to bed how much i loved her and smothered her with kisses.  I may not be the craftiest, most put together, organized mom - but I do love them with every ounce of my heart, mind, and soul.  Asshole syndromes and everything.  As I was walking out of her room she said "Mommy, I luff you" :)

Are you wasting your life?

I am totally wasting my life.  I was reminiscing on a school project I did in fifth grade.  I wish I had it to show you (my parents might).  I actually kept this project in my room FOREVER because I thought by looking at it enough, it would bring it to life.  To my surprise, that's not how it works.  I guess I should tell you about the project - I'd also like to add in a side note that my teacher was a really unhappy bitch with a chili bowl hair cut.  I'd be pissed about the hair cut too; however she didn't like teaching and that was obviously clear.  She also didn't like me.  Also obviously clear.  MOVING ON :)
Our project was to fill out this questionnaire:

You are 21.  Fill in the blanks to the following questions. (My answers are in the bold letters)
What is your dream job? Registered Nurse
What is your dream car? Gold Toyota Celica
What do you want to be? Registered Nurse
Where will you be living? New York City attending NYU
What do you think you will look like? Kirsten Dunst

Sooooooooo I'm not sure what happened.  But I can tell you all of the above didn't happen.  I attended a University for awhile.  Realized I didn't like studying, but failed to realize, that will success comes hard work.  I didn't want to put in the hard work that I thought was dumb.  Why would anyone choose hard work when you could drink vodka and talk to your roommate? That my friends - is why I have wasted my life.  I had an opportunity.  I had very direct instructions.  I didn't need OR want for anything.  I just needed to follow fucking directions and I couldn't do it.  I couldn't see past that exact moment.  So i squandered away money and years.  I suppose the optimistic in me thinks that life is never wasted as long as we are still here and breathing.  Certain things might become harder; but it's not forever gone.  Except for youthful skin and cavity free teeth. Ha. Ha.

I want to do something with my life.  Obviously I want to raise my children (no choice now even if I didn't want to). I don't like attention but I want to reach mass audiences.  I have no idea what with or why.  Thats probably weird and self absorbed.

I feel like I had this amazing space in my life span I just wasted in so many ways. I thought I would have accomplished so much more.  The truth is - I didn't do the work.  Shit doesn't just get done overnight because you think you're special. And if it does sign me up for that ride because, holy shit, I've been clueless about that ride.

I'm trying to get pictures on my blog.  So you can see the ridiculousness that happens here.  I also would like to do an end of month review.  Random things in life that happened.  Things that brought me joy or not so much joy.  Actually I don't know what the hell it will contain but "end of month review" just sounds so proper; so i'm sticking with it!

Are you wasting your life? Did you accomplish what you hoped to? Has that brought more happiness to your life? I'm sincerely curious.

A Witty Title About Mommyhood

I have been discussing starting a blog for a long time.  I have been told (and agree with) that I have a lot to say.  The hardest part of starting a blog for me, other than technology, is that my thoughts are always scrambled and rarely make sense.  Then I start thinking about my grammar, if its up to par (I know its not) and how many people will read it and think a comma should go there - or this sentence isn't even a sentence.  OR what if NO ONE reads it.  I already have two little butt heads at home that certainly don't listen to me.  Okay so one of them is almost three and actually an asshole.  The other is 14 months old and generally on my good side.  But he's getting to that age where I have to start telling that cheeky monkey "no".

I made a blog once.  Years and years ago.  In fact it was a blog on the same subject matter - mommy hood.  However this time its taken a different turn.  I went from writing about yearning to become a mother and fearing i never would get to fulfill that place in my heart.  Now it's about attempting to survive mommy hood.  Life.  Marriage.  Adulting.  Mother hood had brought me a lot of joy.  The joy that makes my heart swell and almost burst.  It has also brought a bit of depression and tears.  Sometimes happy tears and sometimes sad, angry tears.  I don't know what the eff I'm doing but I do know that if some weird, random shit is going to happen to someone - it will probably happen to me! I hope I start to write about it and share the REAL mommy hood.  I wanted to wait to start this blog until i had cleared my desk off completely; except for my macbook air (that i don't really know how to use), a candle (diptyqe anyone?), a cup of tea and new glasses i desperately need.  Instead I'm somehow juggling this device on an arm chair, in an ill fitting t-shirt (because i'm struggling at losing weight from baby #2) and wondering if it would be inappropriate to get a glass of whiskey.

I'm sick of seeing organized people with their erin condren, filofax planners - stickers all coordinated and ready for the next 6-8 months chalk full of amazing activities like baby yoga, soft play etc.  I'll be candid and say I'm sick of seeing it because I'm NOT that way.   I want to be.  I'm just really fucking tired at the end of the day.  I'm sure "they" are tired as well but whatever.  So here I am - to keep it real - let you know i haven't mopped my kitchen floor in 2 months and my kids are only eating pancakes because its all they want and right now, I'm fine with it.