Are you wasting your life?

I am totally wasting my life.  I was reminiscing on a school project I did in fifth grade.  I wish I had it to show you (my parents might).  I actually kept this project in my room FOREVER because I thought by looking at it enough, it would bring it to life.  To my surprise, that's not how it works.  I guess I should tell you about the project - I'd also like to add in a side note that my teacher was a really unhappy bitch with a chili bowl hair cut.  I'd be pissed about the hair cut too; however she didn't like teaching and that was obviously clear.  She also didn't like me.  Also obviously clear.  MOVING ON :)
Our project was to fill out this questionnaire:

You are 21.  Fill in the blanks to the following questions. (My answers are in the bold letters)
What is your dream job? Registered Nurse
What is your dream car? Gold Toyota Celica
What do you want to be? Registered Nurse
Where will you be living? New York City attending NYU
What do you think you will look like? Kirsten Dunst

Sooooooooo I'm not sure what happened.  But I can tell you all of the above didn't happen.  I attended a University for awhile.  Realized I didn't like studying, but failed to realize, that will success comes hard work.  I didn't want to put in the hard work that I thought was dumb.  Why would anyone choose hard work when you could drink vodka and talk to your roommate? That my friends - is why I have wasted my life.  I had an opportunity.  I had very direct instructions.  I didn't need OR want for anything.  I just needed to follow fucking directions and I couldn't do it.  I couldn't see past that exact moment.  So i squandered away money and years.  I suppose the optimistic in me thinks that life is never wasted as long as we are still here and breathing.  Certain things might become harder; but it's not forever gone.  Except for youthful skin and cavity free teeth. Ha. Ha.

I want to do something with my life.  Obviously I want to raise my children (no choice now even if I didn't want to). I don't like attention but I want to reach mass audiences.  I have no idea what with or why.  Thats probably weird and self absorbed.

I feel like I had this amazing space in my life span I just wasted in so many ways. I thought I would have accomplished so much more.  The truth is - I didn't do the work.  Shit doesn't just get done overnight because you think you're special. And if it does sign me up for that ride because, holy shit, I've been clueless about that ride.

I'm trying to get pictures on my blog.  So you can see the ridiculousness that happens here.  I also would like to do an end of month review.  Random things in life that happened.  Things that brought me joy or not so much joy.  Actually I don't know what the hell it will contain but "end of month review" just sounds so proper; so i'm sticking with it!

Are you wasting your life? Did you accomplish what you hoped to? Has that brought more happiness to your life? I'm sincerely curious.

A Witty Title About Mommyhood

I have been discussing starting a blog for a long time.  I have been told (and agree with) that I have a lot to say.  The hardest part of starting a blog for me, other than technology, is that my thoughts are always scrambled and rarely make sense.  Then I start thinking about my grammar, if its up to par (I know its not) and how many people will read it and think a comma should go there - or this sentence isn't even a sentence.  OR what if NO ONE reads it.  I already have two little butt heads at home that certainly don't listen to me.  Okay so one of them is almost three and actually an asshole.  The other is 14 months old and generally on my good side.  But he's getting to that age where I have to start telling that cheeky monkey "no".

I made a blog once.  Years and years ago.  In fact it was a blog on the same subject matter - mommy hood.  However this time its taken a different turn.  I went from writing about yearning to become a mother and fearing i never would get to fulfill that place in my heart.  Now it's about attempting to survive mommy hood.  Life.  Marriage.  Adulting.  Mother hood had brought me a lot of joy.  The joy that makes my heart swell and almost burst.  It has also brought a bit of depression and tears.  Sometimes happy tears and sometimes sad, angry tears.  I don't know what the eff I'm doing but I do know that if some weird, random shit is going to happen to someone - it will probably happen to me! I hope I start to write about it and share the REAL mommy hood.  I wanted to wait to start this blog until i had cleared my desk off completely; except for my macbook air (that i don't really know how to use), a candle (diptyqe anyone?), a cup of tea and new glasses i desperately need.  Instead I'm somehow juggling this device on an arm chair, in an ill fitting t-shirt (because i'm struggling at losing weight from baby #2) and wondering if it would be inappropriate to get a glass of whiskey.

I'm sick of seeing organized people with their erin condren, filofax planners - stickers all coordinated and ready for the next 6-8 months chalk full of amazing activities like baby yoga, soft play etc.  I'll be candid and say I'm sick of seeing it because I'm NOT that way.   I want to be.  I'm just really fucking tired at the end of the day.  I'm sure "they" are tired as well but whatever.  So here I am - to keep it real - let you know i haven't mopped my kitchen floor in 2 months and my kids are only eating pancakes because its all they want and right now, I'm fine with it.